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Joke of the Day

"a dude sitting next to me in the ER asked how to spell ankle & then correctly identified Rush Hour by a scene without jchan or chris tucker"

"How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ten - one to hold the light bulb and nine to drink until the room spins! Happy St. Patrick's day!"

"Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, ""Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons."""

"i wonder how many of the men who stormed the beaches of normandy on d-day in world war 2 had their bellybuttons pierced"

"Don't expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that's when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets."

"They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys. I don't have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don't look weird."

"If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet"

"The best way to prevent the next generation from stealing your lunch... Is to not show them where your lunch is. Because you forgot where you left your lunch."

"I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet."

"What do you call movie night at Bill Cosby's house? Netflix and pill"