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Joke of the Day

"A thief broke into my house last night. He was searching for money, ...so I woke up and started searching with him."

"Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end? It was unmiscible."

"Happy 420 to me, Happy 420 to me, Its not 4/20 anymore, But fuck it, Its 420 to me!"

"religious? why yes i'm very religious, i'm always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay"

"Finished christmas shopping for my entire family. *walks out of pharmacy*"

"What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise"

"My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again."

"Republicans believe every day is the 4th of July... Democrats believe every day is April 15."

"What's the fastest cake in the world? Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue."

"When a black guy gets shot, what are his communities favourite snacks? Dindu Muffins"