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Joke of the Day

"ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best"

"The zookeeper said he'd tell me where the bathroom is located if I can say the alphabet. ""A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z"" He asks: ""where's the D?"" ""It's out for Harambe"""

"""Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!""- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear"

"""<------------ people who don't want Ellen Pao to go."" --someone who's never getting to the front page"

"[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] ""Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"""

"What does Snoop Dogg do when he forgets to put on oven mitts? He drops it like it's hot."

"How did the blonde burn her ear? The telephone rang while she was ironing."

"His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush."

"Whenever someone says, ""that's what she said"", I like to reply with, ""not to you"""

"Other girls think they are quirky because they pet dogs at parties. I on the other hand, fear death but also long for it"