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Joke of the Day

"""If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead"" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears"

"Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!"

"Everything my boy friend ever said to me was a lie. Every. Fcuking. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true."

"She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I'm frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don't know karate."

"When you give someone a present, unless you say ""open it"", they're legally not allowed to look inside."

"Today, I woke up an optimist. He punched me in the face."

"People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible."

"It's cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart"

"SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock."

"If women are so equal to men... how come they can't oppress an entire gender?"