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Joke of the Day

"Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot"

"I started gaining as much weight as possible... I wanted to become a more well-rounded person"

"A trip to the barbers... That'll put hairs on your chest."

"I electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet. Number 2 will shock them."

"What does Sean Connery's nemesis and the crater of a volcano have in common? They're both ash-holes."

"I'm going to start a charity for the clinically insane. Gonna call it ""Fundamental"""

"Did you know it's impossible to piss your pants on purpose? It's a weird biological thing"

"What did the power ranger-turned-addict say? It's morphine time!"

"[at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello"

"Say what you will about deaf people"