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Joke of the Day

"I'm about to pound some meat. Sadly this is not a euphemism. Again. *sigh*"

"I hate when I'm cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I'm just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again."

"A terrorist walks into a bar... He orders a Molotov Cocktail"

"I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but fell asleep. Edit: WOW my top post is now a bestiality joke. Thanks guys :)"

"Laziness is a dish best served delivered."

"What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat"

"Why did the plumber kill himself? He was sewericidal."

"New Girlfriend (56) -- Postponed due to rain NOTICE: New Girlfriend (56) will be made up next Wednesday as part of a double header along with New Girlfriend (57)."

"I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I'm just going to go ahead & judge you."

"ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES"