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Joke of the Day

"I bet you vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots. Barbarians."

"If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job."

"How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!"

"Getting a woman: 1.Select the woman u like 2. Lick her face 3. She is now yours take her home HAHAHAHAHAHA I've been arrested 10 times"

"A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids."

"[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop] *The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*"

"[Job Interview] *okay, he can't find out I'm a wolf* *fixes tie* *checks breath* IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS"

"Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don't have to suck my gut in."

"Mickey and Minnie go to get divorced... When the judge asks for the reason, Mickey: ""Because my wife is fucking goofy."" Judge: ""You mean she's crazy?"" Mickey: ""No, she's just fucking goofy!"""

"1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns."