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Joke of the Day

"Christmas these days is a lot like having sex the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money."

"What's the difference between a strawberry and a pencil? One's a fruit, you idiot."

"The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in."

"We have 20 people coming over to our house today, so my wife made me clean all week She's terrified someone will find out people live here."

"""Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on.."" [rubs up against your leg] ""that's better"" -cats"

"[house hunting] Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding* GOT ONE! Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword* GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!"

"Name a household appliance that you everyday... my wife...but shes gone and i need to do the dishes myself now"

"I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?"

"What do you call a pig stuck in a topiary? A hedgehog."

"Laughter really is the best medicine... Except for diarrhea."