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Joke of the Day

"What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night? Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog."

"What do you call a rapsit that gets raped? JUSTICE"

"What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start."

"Pedophiles 2 in 3 people live next to a pedohpile. I don't. I live next to 2 smoking hot 8-year olds."

"JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this. *stings person* FRIEND: That wasn't dis... JELLYFISH: Wait a minute."

"[i get a phone call] ""Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets"" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews ""This is the police"""

"My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time."

"What's a Polar Bear's favourite soup? A laksa."

"Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup? Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!"

"I can't love you. I'm still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can't abandon her."