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Joke of the Day

"4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!"

"Two men walk into a bar... The third one ducks."

"How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there."

"[date shouting over music on the dance floor]: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS? Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!"

"'You look fat' is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker"

"I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???"

"How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist"

"Japanese soccer. 'Murica, fuck yeah!"

"Why couldn't the melons secretly get married? Because they were cant elopes"

"if I was ever in prison I'd quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover"