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Joke of the Day

"""Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!"" - Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child."

"Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea."

"Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker? Me: No, that's all I saw *shows me it's just a picture of a fist* Me: *sobbing* That's him"

"What do you call a gay guy paralyzed from the neck down? A Tomato (because he's both a fruit AND a vegetable)"

"Why couldn't Hillary win the election? Women only win .7 votes for every one a man wins."

"Study shows that people eat more bananas than monkeys I don't even remember the last time I ate a monkey!"

"I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they're in their 20s and don't know what phones used to look like."

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me."

"I had to fire my secretary after she got implants... She used to work for a flat rate, then she demanded I pay her an inflated rate."

"Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker? *Dead pan face*, I don't cry when I cut up hookers."