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Joke of the Day

"Sadly,the man who invented the raffle has passed away. R.I.P Tom Bola."

"Are you an ideal amount of red phosphorus and am I a proportioned tiny wooden stick? Because we're a match!"

"What material does Cayde-6 use to repair his armor after falling feet first into hell? Nathan Filaments ( ) X-Post from /r/DestinyTheGame"

"I think Head & Shoulders should have a body wash line called Knees & Toes"

"What do you call a hooker with no limits? Your mom."

"Me: That the new iPhone? Him: Yup! The 5S! Me: What's the difference? Him: The C stands for ""Cheap"" Me: What about the S? Him: ""'Spensive"""

"My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup .... Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund"

"Don't you hate when someone has a great tweet idea, but they TOTALLY fuck up the wording, and it's you?"

"[girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]"

"What did the old zombie dog say when she got a birthday bone? *My hip!*"