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Joke of the Day

"The bad news is I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap."

"Told to me by my 8 year old daughter: Knock knock. Who's there? Awkward silence. Awkward silence who? ... I see what you did there..."

"There's a very thin line between having your foot out of the covers enough to stay cool but not enough so it gets eaten by monsters."

"Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir"

"what do you call a mentally unstable ursine that lives in the antarctic? A bi-polar bear."

"I met this wonderful girl who thinks small penis isn't an obstacle for a good relationship. Now I just have to get used to that she has one."

"Why do sharks like stoners? Because they're baked snacks."

"What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday? Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday."

"What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, I'm giving you a blow job!"

"What times does the chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty"