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Joke of the Day

"They could of at least added a middle finger emoji on iOS7."

"My wife wants to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, ""I think we better turn around."""

"""My wife's having a relationship with the Speaker of the House of Representatives"" ""Boehner?"" ""No, she assures me it's completely platonic."""

"I was told getting a tongue piercing would help me with oral sex... I still can't reach it..."

"Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in."

"There was a murder at the mime convention Everyone was left speechless"

"A message from a girl Received a messages from a girl, ""come quickly to me, there's nobody home."" I went. Indeed, there was no one."

"Be smart because you won't be pretty forever."

"*interrupts planning of heist* Where are we going for dinner after the robbery"

"[puts puppy in microwave] [googles instructions for making hotdogs] [quickly releases puppy from microwave]"