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Joke of the Day

"When someone says ""No Biggie"", I reply with ""not since 97"" and immediately break down crying"

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea. I wouldn't pay $300 to let a lentil on my face."

"Two women are sitting together quietly . . ."

"I think I'm just going to date procrastination... It just makes sense, it's been fucking me every day since high school."

"How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done about the situation and the other one to screw it into the faucet."

"Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary."

"Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag"

"Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn"

"mum just asked me why i was putting icecream on my oatmeal and w/o hesitation i said ""im one of the most dangerous minds of my generation"""

"Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because he had a boner"