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Joke of the Day

"ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary. BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?"

"[cocktail party] Me: [swirls brandy] Brandy: PUT ME DOWN"

"How we know that God is not an engineer When designing the human body, an engineer would not run a sewer line through a recreational area."

"[The Bachelor] Some of you will be getting roses tonight... [bee in the back] AW HELL YEAH"

"Chemists Confirm the Existence of New Type of Bond James Bond"

"What do you call it when Superman craps his pants? Undy-terd."

"You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,"

"There isn't such a thing as a communist school is there... They're all in classes?"

"Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they like to push two twins together to make a king. (Game of Thrones ref)"

"What do you call a homesick Asian? Disoriented"