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Joke of the Day

"If my guitar weeped, gently or otherwise, the song I'd write would be called, ""Holy Shit, My Fucking Guitar Is Weeping."""

"*cops finds my loose floorboard* Cop: What's under here... *they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets* Me: I'd like my lawyer now."

"Why dont you need birth controls when having sex with British boys? They are the earliest to pull out of eu."

"I went tonthe zoo and all they had was one small dog and an empty gorilla enclosure... It was a shotzu."

"My wife has just given birth for the first time.... I don't know who I feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own."

"I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh."

"How do you make a German cry? Show them their gas bill"

"Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don't like just in case I turn into The Hulk."

"When I was a kid, if I wanted to jerk off, I had to use a Sears catalogue But now, with the internet, when I want to jerk off, I can just go to Sears.com."

"My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said "" everyone here is alive because I got laid ""."