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Joke of the Day
"You know the world is corrupted.... When people buy the 2015 Macbook."
Next Joke
"*points to refrigerator* That makes things cold *points to stove* That makes things hot *points to self* That makes things awkward"
"Did you hear about the scarf that Eva Braun knitted for Hitler? He said it was kampfy and that he reiched it a lot, but that it could have used fuhrer stitches."
"The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street."
"What do all dogs get with their phones? Collar ID"
"He said he wanted to ""put more than just words in my mouth"" and I was like ""I hope you mean hamburgers."""
"You know what's odd? Every other number."
"5-year-old: I can't finish my lunch. I don't feel good. Me: OK, then no ice cream. 5-year-old: I'm sick, not dead."
"I stand at airplane arrival gates with a ""SAMANTHA"" sign, then cry after everyone's exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!"
"son: hey dad me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes son: now don't get mad me: [dials 1] ok son: do we have a fire extinguisher me: [dials 1]"