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Joke of the Day

"[talking to myself in the mirror] ""You will not be awkward today."" Person: ""Hey"" Me: ""Good. How are you?"""

"We had a pop quiz in culinary school today. It was a piece of cake."

"TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board u ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher* ME: Oh shit"

"The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn."

"I hate it when girls say the wrong name during sex They know my name isn't someone help"

"A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up."

"Donald Trump has done so much good for American education. Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, ""I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."""

"I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part."

"The human body is 70% water and 30% land"

"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers."