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Joke of the Day

"Where do all guys come from? ...Their dicks. Where else? (is bad i know)"

"Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool? Me: Yeah, I love shitty food."

"What do you call a vegan who cheats on their diet with human flesh? A humanitarian"

"New machine at the gym There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all. Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas."

"I've asked a question, ignored the answer and been too ashamed to ask again, way more times than I'd like to admit."

"Her: I'm running a little late. M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time. Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter"

"Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."""

"God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change."

"Why do they call c-section the caesarian? Because when brutus stabbed caeser A baby fell out. Original shit *drops the mic"

"Q: What is 68 to a blonde? A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one."