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Joke of the Day

"Women are like the Call of Duty games. If you play them for too long, you'll end up alone."

"What does it sound like when a Pterodactyl urinates? There is no sound... The P is silent."

"I froze some paint today. Now it's just one solid color."

"If it looks like a duck & quacks like a duck, it's a murderer, disguised as a duck."

"You've gotta hand it to short people.. Usually because they can't reach it"

"When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say ""thank you""? ...instead of all this ""how did you get in to my house?"" calling 9-11 business."

"Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don't care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD"

"You know... When someone says to you ""Jesus loves you."" It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail."

"Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? Because it was two tired."

"How many Trump supporters does t take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just make the Mexicans do it."