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Joke of the Day

"Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You're welcome."

"whats the difference between a woman and a computer ? A woman has no use for a 3 1/2"" inch floppy."

"If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death. Disneyland has never been so fun"

"My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place"

"What are the four food groups? For bachelors: Fast Frozen Junk and Spoiled. For drinkers: Malt Hops Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine Fat Sugar Chocolate."

"Listen up: I wear the pants in this family. They're a lovely taffeta with a subtle flare to draw attention to my lace-up sandals."

"How did the founding fathers of Canada name there country? They drew letters from a hat. ""A 'C' eh! An 'N' eh! A 'D' eh!"" they cried"

"Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis"

"I've honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people"

"So, my masturbation classes are not going to well I'm afraid... ...yesterday, nobody came."