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Joke of the Day

"You've reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message. ""Hi it's the library. The book 'How to Steal Library Books' is now 1 week over...UH OH"""

"Whats the difference between an easily offended person and a gun? A gun actually does something when triggered."

"What did Gandalf say when he tried to shut down Auschwitz? ""You shall not gas!"""

"You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3"

"I think I'm allergic to cats. They give me stomach aches."

"[blind date] (don't let her know ur a dog walker) ""So what do u do?"" Well, I'm like a- [13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]"

"Went to the zoo today. There was only one animal. It was a ""shitzu."""

"What did the Leper say to the Prostitute after they finished? ""Keep the tip."""

"How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Hippies screw in vans."

"I was so close to a threesome last night Only fell 2 people short"