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Joke of the Day

"Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint."

"My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5... he says he finds it refreshing. I told him he needs help, now he keeps hitting F1. (edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)"

"Which war was the hungriest? Viet-nom."

"I'm scared of lifts Guess I have to take steps to avoid them"

"I don't know what's more disturbing? My son reading a billboard that says ""LIVE NUDE GIRLS"" or him asking if there's dead ones."

"I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks."

"The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going"

"""You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck."" - my voicemail message"

"I know the year isn't quite over, but so far, what are your Top 50 movies of 2012 with Tyler Perry?"

"I always thought that Last of Us needed more animals Nevertheless that giraffe scene with Ellie, fantastic."