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Joke of the Day

"Sleeping Beauty taught me that: 1. I'm not the laziest girl in the land 2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you."

"I'm not above apologizing for my drunken behavior I'm just sick of repeating myself"

"Me: Well hello again. I knew you'd be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave"

"A dyslexic walks into a bra"

"How can if you have a stupid dog ? It chases parked cars !"

"I thought it would be good idea to charge my Note 7 and make a call at the same time. Boy did that blow up in my face."

"My mom has always assured me that when my dad died in the towers on 9/11, that the image of my face would have been the second last thing going through his head The last thing was the ceiling."

"Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer."

"*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*"

"I have an epileptic friend... He's a jerk..."