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Joke of the Day

"Which songs do planets sing? Neptunes."

"Sorry I used your baby's bald head as a lipstick blotter."

"Do you know how I know that diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans."

"Why was the little boy speaking gibberish? Because he lost his marbles."

"(Selling my soul) Just sign here and here ""I should have a lawyer read this"" *a million lawyers crawl through hell* We have plenty of those"

"I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street the other day so I had to run back home and check that mine was still there. It's OK though, mine was still there, just sitting there shining my shoes."

"Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt. Well played."

"So my new gardener asked me, for the fourth damn time, which plants needed care. I quickly spun, pointed angrily at the daisies and shouted... ""WATER THOOOOOSE!"""

"I know this sucks to say, but I hate when I root for a reality show contestant all season, and then in like episode 9 they mention The Lord."

"I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time."