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Joke of the Day

"Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients."

"Cop: ""You been drinkin?"" Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny ""You're free to go.."" Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?"

"Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us."

"There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note ""Don't eat me"".Now there's an empty plate and a note ""Don't tell me what to do"""

"Did you hear that Sir Mix-A-Lot's pet snake left his girlfriend because she went low-carb? His anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun."

"I was told that tipping your server is normal in America But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator."

"Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time"

"A closed mouth keeps it's teeth."

"Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows? Because at last he was in the noose."

"""The first law of thermodynamics... ... is that you don't talk about thermodynamics."" My lecturer's a hoot."