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Joke of the Day

"Help me reddit. I've quit smoking and I'm gaining weight Before, I only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter."

"All my life, I thought air was free... ... until I bought a bag of crisps!"

"Where did the King keep his armies? In his sleevies."

"Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned? So Catholics could do this [makes the sign of the cross], instead of this [bangs self in head with fists]."

"Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don't let Mike Tyson bite."

"ARMY WIVES SUNDAYS AT 11 ON LIFETIME. IT'S NOT TV. IT'S NOT HBO. IT'S NOT FX. IT'S NOT EVEN WE. IT'S LIFETIME. WHAT, LIKE YOU'RE SO GREAT?"

"Me: So tired Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet... M: Please don't B: N how do we know it's not actually disorganized?"

"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor."

"Overheard this at Grand Canyon. ""Why do they put chicken wire around these plants? Other guy:"" To protect the chicken plants"""

"There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I'll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away."