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Joke of the Day

"What does a stripper do to her asshole before she goes to work? Puts the help wanted ads by the 12pack in the fridge and begs him for the millionth time to look for a job today."

"Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car"

"Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher? He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak."

"Engineers: ""okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"""

"Why couldn't the lizard be aroused? He had a reptile dysfunction (I just made that up but I'm sure it's been thought of)"

"How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?"

"Ocean's 45: The group gets bigger each heist It's too hard to keep secrets Someone posts the next plan on Facebook Everyone goes to jail"

"*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache CW: *hands me 5 Advil* Woah there brother I'm not about to OD here, 2 will do"

"Why is America bad at the game Chess? Because they don't know how to defend their towers."

"My favorite yoga pose is ""try to cut the toenail"""