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Joke of the Day

"Whenever I'm in a difficult situation, I think, ""What would I do?"" so I can do the opposite thing"

"Whoever named it a ""mobile"" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter."

"I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot."

"What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Swim for it..."

"What did the werewolf say when he got shot with a silver bullet? Oooooooowwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooo. He howled while saying ow pretty much"

"My scale is broken. It only seems to go up."

"Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I'm about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library."

"What do you call a half native pirate? Metis"

"Me: It's not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal. Her: Why don't you get married? Me: I've never been that hungry."

"There should be a documentary about meth addiction: Need For Speed"