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Joke of the Day

"[Murderer in the middle of murdering me] Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I'm murdering you I mean really"

"Buying my parents' house. Soon, like so many of the 'ladies' here... I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom's basement."

"Why did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo."

"It's cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into."

"A woman walks into a Bar... She asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one."

"What's the difference between an alpaca and your Mom? One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America."

"....Hey...uh...hey. Reddit. Yeah, you Reddit.....what do ducks eat? **QUACKERS** **LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL--STARTS CHOKING ON OWN HUMOR--**"

"I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward."

"What's the difference between my wife and a dead baby? I didn't kill the baby for not shutting the fuck up."

"Roses are grey, violets are grey. I'm a dog."