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Joke of the Day

"You know how I know we are gonna have sex? I'm stronger than you!"

"What's the difference between a van and a minivan? A van picks up kids. A minivan picks up your kids"

"Just think about this: Jeff Goldblum is someone's uncle. Jeff Goldblum goes to someone's house for holidays and is Jeff Goldblum."

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One is a blood sucking parasite, and the other is an insect."

"I have half a mind to get another lobotomy."

"When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to bury me So they can let me down one last time"

"At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners"

"Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic.."

"I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime."

"I just saw a midget get pickpocketed... I still can't believe someone could stoop so low."