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Joke of the Day

"My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists And Jeeeeez, you should've heard her when she went in the furnace."

"I invited a friend over after school. I told my mom he's my brother from another mother. My parents are now in the divorce process."

"Why are sergeants so successful in physical contests? Three stripes, you rout."

"Of course you can trust me with your secret. *Calls local news team"

"Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me."

"This generation sucks but does it swallow"

"Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell ""SPOILER ALERT!"""

"Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing."

"I just flew in from Nova Scotia and boy, are my arms tired... From jacking it in first class the whole way."

"Coldplay is doing charity work in an African hospital. They met a few jaundice patients. Chris Martin said 'It was great. They were all yellow'"