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Joke of the Day

"Two bacteria walk into a bar... The bartender says, ""Get out! We don't serve any bacteria in this bar. The two bacteria say, ""Hey, but we work here. We're staph."""

"Had a 6"" sammich from subway today, and it totally didn't fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I'm so, so sorry."

"There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a note on it that said, ""Don't eat me."" Now there's an empty plate and a note, ""I don't take orders from a cake."""

"What did the pumpkin pie say to the cheesecake as they were going into the oven? I think this is a set up!"

"Kim Kardashian was robbed of her jewellry in Paris. The robbers had a tip off that she had lots of booty."

"Squirrels run around like they're being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job"

"TIL: They're making a sequal to Brokeback Mountain... Called Sore Ass Pass."

"Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton."

"Inspirational Tweet: Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today's clean laundry. Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith."

"What do you get when you hold two green balls tightly in your hand? A leprachaun's undivided attention."