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Joke of the Day

"leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles"

"I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings... It's a complex complex complex."

"My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now..."

"What's a jewish dota 2 player's favorite skill? shekel shot"

"[whole foods] WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice"

"M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos H: Ma'am those aren't tattoos, they're freckles and you can't bet on a 6th grade spelling bee"

"I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch. I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book."

"how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to eat my ass. One to suck my dick. I screw in the light bulb..."

"Brussel sprouts are like blow jobs If you get 'em forced down your throat young you'll never have a taste for them when you're older"

"I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I'm pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard."