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Joke of the Day

"As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore."

"The internet completely changed my sex life. I used to go to the bar every night trying to get laid. Now I'm just sit here masturbating."

"Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow."

"School is like a boner.. It's long and hard unless you're Asian."

"It's OK to go number 1 in the shower... ...unless you count like a computer programmer."

"Darth: You should not have come back, old man. Obi Wan: I DIDN'T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot."

"I like my women like I like my ice cream... Smooth, pale, cold, and recently extracted from a freezer."

"I took a ""Paint with Wine"" class. The instructor was really impressed with how well I handled my wine."

"A drunk man walks into a bar ... ""Jesus, Craig, you suck at playing limbo!"" said the man's friend."

"Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President"