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Joke of the Day
"*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing Please, I have a family"
Next Joke
"Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?"
"Chicken what do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce... Chicken sees a salad"
"she's all ""don't sleep in the nude- what if there's a fire and the fire men come and see you naked"" uh you pretty much described my fantasy"
"[at a spelling bee] Judge: Your word is SPELL. Witch: *mumbles something under her breath* Judge: Ribbit"
"My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores me until she needs something."
"Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered."
"DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys"
"What is life like for a wood worm ? Boring !"
"There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging."