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Joke of the Day

"You can tell if your gold chain is fake... ...by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry."

"""We met in church."" Lies we tell kids."

"Whats the hardest part about watching Amy Schumer swim through a pool of dead babies? Knowing she will make a shitty vagina joke about it."

"All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?"

"Why can't a bike stand on it's own? because it is two-tyred. edit: sorry about ""it's own""."

"Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free"

"I just won the Polish Lottery..... $1.00 a year for a million years."

"The average person has sex 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!"

"""Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"" *Hitler rubs chin* So mine less. [GRAMMAR NAZI BUSTS IN] ""MINE FEWER."" [Hitler looks up] Yes?"

"What the best thing about pedophiles? They always drive slowly near schools"