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Joke of the Day

"Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling"

"A man goes to the doctor and says ""Doctor! I've broken my arm in several places!"" The Doctor looks at him like he's an idiot and says ""Well then, don't go to those places..."""

"What is green and has 4 wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels."

"Are one-liners accepted? I immediately stopped telling people I was xenophobic when I realized it doesn't mean ""afraid of xenomorphs""."

"What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head? Ducks like a quack."

"Want to see 45 years of wrinkles disappear in less than one minute? nsfw Rub my penis."

"Why did Princess Leia cry at the end of Return of the Jedi? Her father just died."

"You know you're old when the band you love plays an encore and it just stresses you out because you have work tomorrow and need to get home."

"I was told that Microwaves were invisible But I can see mine on my counter. Is mine broken?"

"What Do You Call A Story About A Broken Pencil? Pointless"