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Joke of the Day

"5 years ago today I asked the girl of my dreams to go out with me. Today, I asked her to get married... She said no both times. ;("

"Stalker status update: Good news-I'm not in your house. The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete."

"*wife looks through my phone *divorces me 8 times"

"*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it."

"Can I fax something to you? 'Could you fax over a copy?' 'No, I can't fax because of where I live' 'Where do you live?' 'The 21st century'"

"I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!"

"What is Jamaica's favorite male bird? The mongoose."

"""knock knock."", ""Who's there?"", ""Allah"", ""allah who?"" ""ALLAHU AKBARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"""

"I don't always have sex with star trek fans... but when I do, I prefer dos trekkies."

"How do you fire a Chinese cook? Ask him to take wok."