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Joke of the Day

"What's brown and sticky? My dick after I fuck you in the ass. Edit: I only use this when severely drunk."

"[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra] HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus."

"How do you get Martha Stewart to scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the curtains."

"I spend most of my time waiting for the next big thing to hate."

"Why shouldn't you give a Western feminist the first serving of a fruit cocktail? Because they'll just pick out all the cherries."

"i'll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man"

"[Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the MALE SIRI: Listen, here's what you need to know. ME: I... MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I'm speaking"

"What is a cat's favorite vacation spot? Maui."

"What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am? It's your dad."

"LPT: If you ever find that your hard drive has been wiped, don't worry! Just call the NSA, they'll have have all your information backed up"