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Joke of the Day

"1. Pick jeans to wear 2. Pull them up to thighs 3. Pants dance for 3 minutes 4. Take pants off 5. Put sweatpants on 6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie"

"Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep."

"For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her."

"It's a plant shaped like an egg. EGGPLANT! It's a place where we make fire. FIREPLACE! Diving in the sky. SKYDIVING! Humans are creative."

"FDA approving female viagra next week. Or as Bill Cosby calls it, a ""spritzer"""

"""Sorry dad... my cat ripped your sweater"" ""Darn it!"""

"The recipe said to crush the garlic So I told it, ""You'll never amount to anything!"""

"A guy with a gun enters a bar. ""Who the fuck had sex with my wife?"" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, ""you don't have enough bullets mate!"""

"My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time."

"Harry Potter knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there? You know You know who? Avada Kedavra!!!!!"