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Joke of the Day

"Mrs. Claus gave birth on the 24th of December I guess you could say Santa came early this year."

"How many sperm cells do virgins have at any given time? Ohh.. About a handful."

"I genuinely don't remember making you all this stupid."

"Pro Tip: If you're on a fishing boat and someone calls you Chum, they're probably not being friendly."

"Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don't like like the internet."

"There was a Spanish magician who said he could disappear. He said he would disappear on the count of 3. He said ""Unos... Dos..."" **POOF** And then he disappeared without a tres."

"Just wrote a song about making sandwiches using tortillas. ... Well, it's more of a rap..."

"My husband doesn't find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours. Douche."

"Why did Germany lose WW2? Three Reichs and you're out"

"My school janitor is a part-time pianist. He has 88 keys."