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Joke of the Day

"Just used my phone to record my wife snoring. She'd kill me if I ever played this in front of her friends. So... I guess this is goodbye."

"*Writes a song for you* *Sings it under your bedroom window* *You call the cops* *Your husband falls in love with me*"

"Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school"

"I got security cameras fitted outside my house. Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing."

"I hope the members of Chumbawmba have those Life Alert bracelets, you know, in case they finally can't get up again."

"I like my coffee like I like my women... Without a penis"

"You know what they say about fast typers?[OC] They can make a girl qwert Credit: sumkid (Maria) and I"

"Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs? He was always horsing around."

"Your wife and your lawyer are drowning. You have a choice to make: Lunch or the movies?"

"Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says ""I'll have h2o"" The second scientist says ""I'll have a water"" The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan."