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Joke of the Day

"[Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?"

"I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial"

"Claim to fame Celebrities walk on red carpet because they are famous. I walk on toilet paper because I'm the shit!"

"Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own."

"What do canola oil and some abortions have in common? They come from rape seed."

"Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, ""Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site."""

"My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with ""Thoughts?"""

"Why is the Pharaoh a rare tuba player? Because he Toots Uncommon."

"I believe I can flyyy. I believe I can touch the skyyy. I believe I was mistaaaken. I believe I'm faaalling. I believe I'm gonna diiiie."

"Did you hear about that rude homeless guy down the street? He made some roofless remarks."