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Joke of the Day

"Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?"

"(-i)^2=-1. Moral: If you fiddle with imaginary problems too much, shit's gonna get real."

"Russell Crowe was arrested for biting a woman's face off. When asked about it, he said he was ""Glad he ate her""."

"So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust... I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party."

"What's a ghost's favorite search engine? Ghoulgle"

"My new year celebration is Masturbating Couple's are enjoying their new year eve, friends are watching movies and I'm here still doing masturbating. Fuck yeah"

"I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter."

"Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic."

"Responded to a ""you up"" text at 3AM with ""Let me play with your teeth."" The reply ten minutes later: ""no."" This is already my favorite year."

"It's so cold in Michigan right now. The politicians have their hands in their own pockets."