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Joke of the Day

"[picking out a washing machine] how many watermelons can this hold? ""uhh I dunno, 11?"" only 11? *keeps walking to next one* how many waterme"

"How do you reheat a cold war? You nuke it."

"Your first car is a lot like anal... ...you don't really want it but your stepdad gives it to you anyway."

"When's the best time to come out of the closet? When the coast is queer."

"How many post-minimalists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. On e to he lp with t he he lp with one two with and the oth there to {}}}}}}}}}}}}} and th e to two with lp he"

"The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you're not a psychopath."

"[caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit"

"Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL"

"Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema."

"What did the fish say when he hit concrete? Dam(n)."