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Joke of the Day

"[first date] ME: I'm from a broken home. HIM: When did your parents divorce? ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed."

"A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night.. and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says ""Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?"""

"How many anti-Trump protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING."

"What, I'm Asian? *slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks* *buys a bonsai tree*"

"Why couldn't the tampon twins get dates? They were both stuck up cunts!"

"It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils"

"I'm always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass."

"In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can't be positive that they're not watching."

"What is worst then the holocaust? 6 million Jews"

"Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause."