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Joke of the Day

"April showers bring May flowers... ...but Mayflowers bring smallpox."

"54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce."

"I also like my coffee like i like my slaves. Hand-picked from a third world country. ...I'll show myself out."

"The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat."

"*getting caught filling up neighbor's trash can* Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?"

"A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesn't get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers."

"I can finally scratch ""murdering an anonymous vagrant"" off my bucket list. I didn't do it, it just doesn't seem all that appealing anymore I guess."

"I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class... It's about thyme"

"""Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?"" -chickens"

"You can't get good signal reception at a cemetery It's a dead spot."