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Joke of the Day

"""I am the perfect age for this shit."" -- Roger Murtaugh, age 22"

"What do they call the pun masters of the streets? Punksters"

"Whats the difference between a bdsm slavegirl, and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking if you slap it."

"Sometimes I feel so lucky to be American... Not like those poor kids in Africa, or the euthanasia."

"Women are like credit cards The ones I really want have a low interest and won't qualify me, so I get stuck with one that has a high interest, extra fees and no rewards. *(credit: Uncyclopedia)*"

"I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in."

"Why are atoms untrustworthy? They make up everything. Credit to /u/ipsokinetikon from an askreddit thread about what not to trust."

"I dressed up as a coprophiliac Taurus to the Halloween party, but got kicked out because apparently it was ""indecent."" Bull-fucking-shit."

"Why'd the British man cross the ocean? Freedom."

"[at the gym] Trainer: ""Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are."" Me: ""Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."""